tv The Daily Show Comedy Central January 5, 2017 11:00pm-11:31pm PST
welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! i could not be more excited. my guest tonight from one of my favorite shows of all time keegan and peele, keegan-michael key is joining us! ( cheers and applause ) but first, good news for people who like religion with a side of fries. >> when pope francis looks outside the vatican he can see the golden arches. >> it's called the mcvatican because the fast food chain is opening in a church-owned building in the vatican just around from st. peter's square. >> trevor: that's right, mcdonald's opening at the vatican. i always took the pope as a burger king guy. based on his sense of style. makes a lot of sense when you think about it -- both the catholic church and mcdonald's have served billions, both make people feel really guilty about themselves, and both historically bad for children. so makes sense. ( audience reacts ) oh, too soon?
too soon? ( applause ) but really, my favorite part about this whole story is finally the hamburglar can confess his sins! my son, the seventh commandment says thou shalt not burgle they neighbor's hams! pick me up a mcrib and six hail marys. i'm loving it! but let's move to the big story. in the last decade, the g.o.p. has been led in the senate by majority leader mitch mcconnell, and throughout that time, him and his h team have been focused on one thing. >> senator mitch mcconnell did an interview with national journal. in it he said, quote, the single most important thing we want to achieve is for president obama to be a one-term president. >> you said, quote, the single most important thing we want to achieve is for president obama to be a one-term president. >> well, that is true. that's my single most important political goal along with every
active republican in the country ( mocking -- ) >> trevor: well, that is true... why does he sound so sassy when he says it? like forced to admit something but secretly glad he finally gets to talk about it. i heard when you're out of town you like to sleep on her side to have the bed -- >> well, that is true -- >> trevor: oh! ( laughter ) i also heard that you get fully naked in the dressing room at the gap! >> well, that is true -- ( laughter ) >> trevor: but jokes aside, mitch mcconnell, don't you think as a public servant your number one priority, instead of blocking the president, should be serving the public? >> well, that is true -- >> trevor: anyway, we'll never really know how mcconnell's plan to limit obama turned out. but yesterday he moved on to plan b, and that is erasing obama's legacy. >> congress is moving full steam ahead to get rid of obamacare.
the senate narrowly approved a fast-track resolution yesterday to begin the repeal of the affordable care act. >> we have on the floor of the senate now the obamacare repeal resolution. the priorities between now and january 20th are -- ( clearing throat ) >> trevor: seems like you have some bull (bleep) stuck in your throat -- ( clearing throat ) ( cheers and applause ) well, to be honest, looks like you have a separate throat just for bull (bleep). ( laughter ) looks like he's got that frog thing, like instead of taking healthcare away from millions of americans, your priority should be to repeal whatever that thing is. like, i don't know, like, botox it or at least turn it into a bow tie or something, you know? ( laughter ) yeah, like that! like that! yeah! anyway, so yesterday,
republicans voted to begin repealing obamacare, but luckily, democrats did not stand by. they complained! >> republicans are applauding and soon will be executing a full-scale assault on the three pillars that support the american healthcare system. >> make america sick again, is that what the republicans want to do? >> there is a difference between not curing the problem and causing the problem. >> may 7, 2015, donald trump tweeted -- ( laughter ) >> trevor: bernie! ( cheers and applause ) bernie! we miss you, bernie! why didn't we listen, bernie? ( crying ) oh, man, this is what i love about bernie sanders, he's so original. like, we invented tweets so we don't have to write (bleep) down anymore. but bernie is old school.
everyone's going digital, he's going to opposite way. he prints the tweet out. that's what i'm talking about. he's old school. his selfie is all hand drawn. that's bernie sanders. he doesn't sex, he buys an actual eggplant and hands it to a woman. hands it to her. are you up? are you up? yeah! yeah! it's 6:00 p.m., of course i'm up. ( laughter ) but no one should be surprised this is happening because the g.o.p. has been trying to repeal obamacare. in fact, they tried repealing all parts of it 60 times. the question is why are republicans so adamant about getting rid of obamacare? because you can't denied the positive impact affordable care act has had, given people insurance, saved the government money and people's lives and it's changed the conversation in america from should all americans have health coverage to what kind of health coverage should all americans have. that is huge! ( applause )
and you realize health coverage for all seems like a stretch right now, but think of it like firefighters. you realize, back in the days, firefighters weren't a public service provided by the government. if your house was on fire, it was your business to put it out. that's how it worked. but now we live in a world where we all agree everyone should have access to firefighters, or at least the calendar. damn! look at that guy! some fires are too hot to put out! damn! ( laughter ) don't get me wrong, we all know obamacare isn't perfect. the mandate wasn't effective, the subsidies didn't cut people's costs enough, and some people did lose their doctors. but the big question is, if the g.o.p. is going to replace it, then what are they going to replace it with? please, republicans, be specific. >> there were virtually no specifics given reporters on the critically important issue of replacing the law. >> they do not have a concrete plan yet to replace it. >> why still no plan to replace it? >> we have a plan to replace it.
we have plenty of ideas to replace it, and you will see as the weeks and months unfold what we're talking about replacing it. >> trevor: oh, man, you will see -- oh, man -- oh, oh, when my plan gets heretics you will be sorry, oh, oh -- because i have so much ideas -- mitch, stop the car! oh, oh, my plan, ooh ooh, ha ha, oh oh -- ( applause ) i love how slick he throws that in. paul ryan says, and you will see as the weeks and months unfold that what we're talking about -- i'm sorry, the weeks and months? you can't just jump from weeks to months. that's a giant space of time. you will see as the weeks and months unfold that what we're talking about is years and years of not actually doing something. that's what you're talking about. in fact, some republicans are suggesting they might repeal obamacare but not have the repeal take effect until after the next election. yeah. so then it's president kanye's
issue, which is a pretty slick move, republicans. ( applause ) because, you see, this is what a lot of people don't realize, that way, they get the credit of repealing obamacare right now without actually having to solve the problem. >> well, that is true -- >> trevor: i'm glad you agree. ( applause ) i'm glad you agree. here's my honest advice -- and it doesn't matter if you're republican or democrat -- if you're an american, don't ever forget that those politicians work for you, not the other way around. so before you sign away the healthcare you have now, at least make republicans show you a concrete plan, and not just the brochure, the actual blueprints. because they're all, go to the web site, i've got an idea -- no, show the plan. write it up in a bill. anyone can pretend they did a good thing for you.
you can't get the credit till it's done. don't sign it away. if you look under your chairs, you will find a brand-new ipad! look under your chairs right now! that's it! in the top part of the thing! if the ipad isn't there now, as the upcoming weeks and months unfold, i'm sure an ipad will appear in your life! make sure you tweet about how great "the daily show" is on delivering its promises! we'll be right back! everybody's getting an ipad! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
♪ (vo) the old way of doing taxes isn't good enough. so, we're about to blow it up. don't just get your taxes done. get your taxes won. come on! why doesn't verizon offer unlimited data like t-mobile? is it because their lte network was built six years ago? six years ago? that's like a hundred... in phone years. their lte network is older, slower, and they limit you. switch to t-mobile. the newer, faster, and unlimited network. we cover 99% of the americans verizon covers. get 4 lines, just $40 a month. rrowl. so if ydead battery,t tire, need a tow or lock your keys in the car, geico's emergency roadside assistance is there 24/7. oh dear, i got a flat tire.
hmmm. uh... yeah, can you find a take where it's a bit more dramatic on that last line, yeah? yeah i got it right here. someone help me!!! i have a flat tire!!! well it's good... good for me. what do you think? geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. what ari can explain...s 11pm. you should be out there disappointing your father. i need to clean this place up. bloopy, bad judgement and loopy.
hunger keeps inventing new problems, so we invented snickers® crisper. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." now, obamacare isn't the only thing the new congress is fighting about. looks like there will be even less cooperation on the filling of the supreme court. remember how republicans blocked obama's nominee for ten months? well, now it looks like democrats are about to return the favor. >> we are not going to settle on a supreme court nominee. if they don't appoint someone who's really good, we're going to oppose them tooth and nail. >> mitch mcconnell firing back at senator schumer for threatening to block president-elect trump's pick for the vacancy in the supreme court. >> democrats want revenge
because they feel badly about how the republicans treated them regarding merrick garland. >> trevor: whoa, revenge for merrick garland, sounds like the worst kung fu movie plot ever. hmm -- you blocked my supreme court nominee ten years, now i will block you! hmm, ha! donkey attack! ( laughter ) where does it all end? what does all this gridlock mean for america's future? >> trevor, i can answer that. >> trevor: jordan klepper, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> yes, that is right. as you can see, i am reporting to you from the future! it's the year 2067, and i have to warn you about the frightening state of our government, it's in total collapse. >> trevor: jordan, you're in the future? i don't want to hear about the government. tell me cool future stuff, dude. >> okay, but quickly. we found life on mars but they're not really our type. no one wears socks anymore,
turns out that was just a marketing scam. these days women actually prefer small penises. >> trevor: oh, no. >> oh, yes! it's a great time to be alive! ( laughter ) anyway, let me get back to our crumbling democracy. you know, in 2017, everyone assumed the gridlock couldn't get worse. well, they were wrong. both parties refused to compromise on anything and the legislative branch ceased to function. no bills passed, no money allocated and definitely no supreme court confirmations. >> trevor: i'm confused. what does congress do all day? >> mostly pudding wrestling. >> trevor: pudding wrestling? why pudding? >> you have no idea how much pudding we have in the future. i don't have time to go into it now. >> trevor: if congress can' can'tson firming justices, who is in the court. >> everyone's died off, now it's just one justice, lonely old ruth. >> trevor: ruth bader ginsburg is still above?
>> sort of. she's ruth bader ginsborg now. half borg, half sassy old women. >> trevor: thought they could get rid to have the skeleton's at least. >> they can't even agree on the skeleton removal bill. ginsborg is on board with everything. now everybody can ride except kevin hart! look! that's not all! she swapped the meaning of the thumbs up and the middle finger which is a great move, ruth! she's gone mad with power. when i go out for steak i have to eat at ruth's "ruth" steak house. whatever she says goes. >> trevor: jordan, that's insane. can't go on forever. what happens when ginsborg passes away? >> i can tell you that. >> trevor: desi lydic, even! ( cheers and applause ) >> yep, that's right. and as you can see, i am reporting to you from even further in the future.
it is the year 2087. ruth bader ginsborg finally short-circuited and we couldn't find anyone to fix her. my son could but nobody listens to him because of his huge penis. anyway, with no supreme court justices left, we had to come up with a whole new way of settling our constitutional disputes. >> trevor: let me guess, through pudding wrestling. >> no, pudding is extremely rare in 2087. i don't even have time to get into it right now. no, now everything is decided by online voting. you want to legalize robot marriage, text your vote to washington. >> trevor: desi, i hate to question you, but if it's 2087, why are you still using today's iphone? >> what? no, no, no. this is iphone -- uh -- 42s. >> trevor: so if you're in the future, desi, and if i call you -- ( ringing ) >> nope, not my phone. it's not me. definitely not me. >> trevor: desi, you're not in
the future. >> fine, i'm not in the future. big deal. >> trevor: jordan, you're also not in the future. >> yes, we were totally lying to you, but it's still true about the penises. >> but we weren't lying about how much congressional gridlock is going to (bleep) america. >> a very real problem. >> trevor: why did you dress up like lady gaga's bridesmaids? >> because nobody believes people's warnings in the present. >> it's like how you can tell people about global warning but unthey're brushing their teeth with their own urine they won't give a (bleep). >> trevor: makes sense. thanks for trying. but don't lie. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) this applebee's all-in burger meal deal with fries and a pepsi is just $9.99. mine has bacon seared right in. mine has gift cards. mine has game tickets. get a burger, fries and a pepsi for just $9.99 at lunch, plus a shot at great prizes.
i need to clean this place up. bloopy, bad judgement and loopy. hunger keeps inventing new problems, so we invented snickers® crisper. and there'any day now!iful baby. [crunch] really? you're eating doritos? he's eating doritos. at my ultrasound. do you see what i have to deal with? i know. (laughter) (laughter) (laughter) (laughter) owww! (laugher) give me that! (screaming) [baby crying] [crunch]
>> hello! ( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting ) >> trevor: they're saying who! >> keegan-michael key. the arsenio hall show. a blast from the past! >> trevor: welcome back, my friend. >> here's what was funny to me at the beginning of the show, you said, from one of my favorite shows, key and peele, welcome to the show, keegan-michael key! so exciting. >> trevor: because we miss you. >> i miss you, too, buddy. >> trevor: we miss your show! ( cheers and applause ) >> i know. jordan and i have been cooking up new stuff. >> trevor: have you? >> cooking up new stuff together, yeah. but the show for us came to a natural end. we wanted it to be -- we just wanted to be so very british
about the whole thing, which is like, five seasons, let's get the hell out, you know what i mean? and you think it's now, because if -- and you will thank us now because if we had gone seven or eight, you would have said, remember when they were funny early on? >> trevor: last time, we didn't have the funniest time because that was on election night. >> yeah. >> trevor: and donald trump won. >> yes, he did. and that night was -- every cup i drank out of that night did not have water in it. >> trevor: i got keegan a bottle of whiskey backstage to say thanks for coming on election night. the bottle, he didn't leave with it. ( laughter ) >> i actually did. it makes a very beautiful vase in my house. ( laughter ) >> trevor: let's talk about the feeling post-show. you're here to give us a gift, which i'm grateful for. every single person who was a huge fan of your show that was inspired by the election.
>> yes, jordan and i got an email from one of our executive producers, a writer and executive producer on the show. for his catharsis, he had written a brand-new obama luther, which we thought would be the last obama luther sketch, and asked if we wanted to do it. we both screamed yes -- as much as you can scream. this caps and you try to make the caps bigger by changing the font, but i don't have that phone yet -- so we decided to make a final obama luther. ( cheers and applause ) so we made a final obama luther show. and we thought it only ap aprop, and everybody on twitter was, like, you have to do something! so we're doing it, and it's happening right now. ( playing hail to the chief ) >> good evening my fellow americans. you remember my anger translator luther. >> well, hello... >> i've told luther he can join
me for this last address but that his being on his very best behavior is crucial to healing the divide in this country. >> keep it chill, luther. go against every natural instinct in your body... >> since we last spoke, the country has voted for a new president. ( laughter ) >> trump?! >> here we go. >> oh, man! come on, come on! really? it's not trump! how did this happen, man! get the (bleep)! you're going to have to do this makeup again! don't you understand?! this is how the hunger game starts! >> that's true. we all have to accept we now have somebody else calling the shots. >> vladimir putin! a naked man on horseback running the show! >> it's a close election but the
people have spoken. >> they voted for hillary clinton but this outdated electoral college mum bow jumbo (bleep) -- >> it's more imperative than ever that we move on as a country united. >> united in the fact that we can't stand each other. >> even as the country aproperties new policies on a trade. immigration. >> the policies! the only new immigrant is a smoking hot white one. >> who plagiarizes speeches. >> i said, bitch! >> i have greatly enjoyed my time as your president. >> except when i -- let me think -- when the republicans wouldn't let me do (bleep), had one dude, said wasn't born here, but you elected him, so pretty much the beginning, middle and end sucked! >> i have met with president-elect trump and have pledged my support in his transition. >> he doesn't even want the job,
y'all! i saw it in his eyes. the dude was shook. the only reason he ran was because his factory in china made too many red hats! that's the only -- reason! ( applause ) >> i assure you that if he succeeds, we all succeed. >> unless he succeeds with all the (bleep) he promises to succeed with, in that case we're (bleep). >> now, a time-cherished tradition is that the outgoing -- >> don't say outgoing -- la-la-la-la-la-- >> -- that's me, leaves the incoming president a little note in the desk of the oval office. of course, it's completely confidential. >> go (bleep) yourself. >> until now. ( applause ) so all of you out there who are afraid that your way of life is under attack, remember that progress isn't always a straight line. >> no, because sometimes it's a line that goes like this, and
just goes straight down for four years! >> stay strong and never stop standing up for what you believe in. >> i would like to book a four-year stay for five at the hotel. >> thanks, america, it's been real, it's been good. but it ain't been real good. >> apparently, orange is the new black! good luck with the healthcare, assholes. i'm out. >> peace. ( applause ) >> i got my eye on you pussy grabber. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you so much. >> thank you. >> trevor: thank you for the coldy, thank you for the laugh.